Shedding Light On Our Fleeting Mortality

It seems I was quite wrong.

Dying isn’t just for the old, the very sick, the victims of accidents or natural disasters, or those that live in a war zone or struggle with famine.

Dying is for me too.

There have been many petite morts or little deaths along the way and at some stage there will be the Big Moment, that full-stop that comes at the end of my Odyssey. Perhaps it won’t be as epic as Ulysses’s own journey home, but it will have tales worth sharing I’m sure.

The thing is, all through my life I have come across sayings that shove mortality right up into our faces: “Life’s too short,” “Carpe Diem,” “Live each day as if it’s your last,” but my survival instinct filter just disassociated the words with the truth underlying.

I’d wager this is a familiar experience with you too.

We are all mortal, but it is something we cannot fully comprehend until we are given a diagnosis or feel that bullet enter.

I used to think that maybe this was the only portal into throwing caution to the wind and being able to truly feel alive and live. There was a time  I understood why a person diagnosed with terminal cancer would make a bucket list.

Now I don’t understand why all of us don’t, but not for the same reasons.

Whose permission are we waiting for?

What is it that we aren’t feeling or seeing that keeps us locked up in our patterns, behaviour and mediocre sort-of-living-life — all the while yearning for something more?

I remember thinking about my life, this was about 10 years ago, and wondering what I would do if I was told I had 3 months to live.

What I supposed then, can’t have been what my soul really wanted, because I had started to write down a list of things I wanted to achieve — today, I don’t think I have scratched a single thing off.

Then there are those friends of mine who seem to be thriving, chasing their passions and dreams, really digging into this living groove. Ticking all the boxes next to their achievements, busy learning new languages, flying half way across the world to study under a Master of Theatre Clowning, sky-diving, going to mardi gras — you name it, they find a way to make time and save money to do all these wondrous things.

So why couldn’t I then, make that list and action it?

What was that ultimate need that eclipsed all the fun escapes and adventures, rendering them temporarily shelved or irrelevant to me? Why wasn’t I clamouring to go to deserted islands, see the seven wonders of the world, howl with the wolves and gape at the Aurora Borealis?

For starters, perhaps there was no urgency, I had yet to have my wake up call. Maybe I could blame a lack of funds, or becoming a mum.

I could even say my mojo disappeared and I just couldn’t be bothered, it all seemed too much to try and do — to make my life a happy and joyful place by having all these amazing experiences with the pretty postcards to prove that I had been there, done it and put a straight line through that numbered entry.

Now that I know I am dying, a certainty of what matters most has come to light.

And when I fully understood my reality I remembered an article I had read a couple of years ago about the top 5 regrets of the dying as witnessed by Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who works with patients at the end of their life:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

It was in that very moment of clarity that I lost all meaning and gained every meaning all in one head-rush.

All of these five regrets boiled down to one thing. But I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

Imagine if you will: You have just found out your full stop is coming soon rather than it being a sudden tragedy. You have time, but not a lot, what does one do?

Having experienced this cycle with people I love, I have witnessed the very stages Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talks about in her book On Death and Dying.

• Denial: this is where the diagnosis must be a mistake, false, not really happening to me.
• Anger: why me, who is at fault and how could this happen?
• Bargaining: the hope card or for some the joker — if I do this, then will I get what I want?
• Depression: well this is self explanatory
• Acceptance: the embrace of mortality and the inevitable future.

These key five stages surface in a myriad of ways and actually also come into play for a much wider range of personal loss. Here I go back to the “little deaths” we have along our journey: divorce, addiction, infertility, job loss, rejection and so on.

Within those five stages comes the action plan of bucket lists, the tidying up of loose ends, the sayings of goodbyes, the anxieties of what hasn’t been done and all those five regrets at the end which makes me unfathomably devastated.

When I heard the words “you are dying,” I felt overwhelmed with trying to make sense of what was missing from all the books and articles that I had read and all the things that one was supposed to do before the time came.

I was scared about all the regrets I would suffer and plans I couldn’t complete. Until it dawned on me that there is one thing we must all do before anything else.

I finally had the answer to my question.

I came upon this realization as I sat and comforted a very dear friend who is not long for this world. In the silence of her hospital room, as I soothed her fevered brow and helped her take tiny sips of water through a straw, I realised the bigger battle she was facing, was her own shadow, and while the morphine softened the jagged edges of pain that ravaged her, the real agony lay invisible to everyone but her.

She had not forgiven herself.

There is one thing we must do before anything else. One thing we must do NOW:

Empty your Suitcase of Sorrows.

Make this your mission before anything else, try whatever you can, find the key to unlocking those blocks, seriously engage in taking stock of everything that has come to pass on your journey so far and begin to heal what is hurting, let go of things that do not serve you anymore, cut the ties that bind you to toxic people and stituations.

Do whatever it takes to be at peace with yourself, decisions you have made, fully grieve those “little deaths” and forgive. Forgiving is a practise in unto itself and sometimes needs repeating but it’s such an important act of loving kindness to yourself.

When you get to your last mile, that bucket list or living life to the fullest isn’t worth a damn if your suitcase of memories is packed full of sorrows.

I fully realized I was dying when I whispered to my friend that I would see her one day again. Something shifted inside of me as I said those words aloud, I knew it to be true in way I couldn’t describe.

I made a promise to myself that early morning, to make peace with my past and each day onwards.

Of course, there are concepts too difficult to contemplate now, for me, the thought of leaving my son is something so painful I cannot even try to imagine it. This will be my cross to bear when my time comes.

As for the other stuff, these were the experiences and part of your “life curriculum” but the emotional scars do not belong in your present anymore.

You deserve your own compassion, forgiveness and love. It’s may sound easier than it is to do, I know, but trust me on this, just start, anywhere, anyhow, just start.

Even if all you do is spend thirty seconds every morning, looking into the bathroom mirror and say, “I’m Sorry, Please Forgive me, Thank you, I love you.” Even if you give yourself the biggest hug while standing under the shower.

Even if it’s the smallest step towards being kind and gentle to yourself, do it… and go from there.

You just might find that the one thing holding you back from manifesting the abundance, love, relationship, experiences and life that your soul so craves, is your suitcase full of sorrows, stuffed into the basement of your mind.

As I sit here today and compulsively check my phone for updates from the hospital, I am aware, more than ever that it is the inner landscape that shapes your outer experience. You cannot find peace, but you can be peace, one moment at a time.

I am dying just like you. Have you realized this yet?

Asha Gill is an international television presenter and the host of Soulvana Circle. Having worked in the industry for 20 years, Asha has interviewed the likes of The Rolling Stones, Lenny Kravitz and Beyonce. Now she is bringing her personal wisdom to her tribe in Soulvana Circle, and her bi-weekly column on the MVA Blog. Discover more about Soulvana Circle here

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